Something about love from my Armore friend

cherryyaya · 发表于 27-8-2004 14:08:14|来自：新加坡

Most of us love to hear the word "love."
And often we love to say the word "love."
"I love you. He loves me. They love us."

It can bring us feelings of warmth, of caring,
of security, of specialness, of reassurance.

But underneath the veneer of love
often lie hidden and toxic assumptions
that can rise up unexpectedly, playing havoc
with our feelings of affection for each other
and damaging our relationships.

Assumptions like these:
"If you love me, you will lend me money."
(For each of these examples, consider also its mirror image,
e.g., "If I love you, I will lend you money.")
"If you love me, you will never have sex with anyone else."
"If you love me, you will do as I suggest."
"If you love me, you will not love anyone else."
"If you love me, you will never leave me no matter what
I do."
"If you love me, you will cook for me."
"If you love me, you will have sex with me."
"If you love me, you will have my children."
"If you love me, you will earn money for me."
"If you love me, you will pay attention to me whenever I
want."
"If you love me, you will bail me out of jail."
"If you love me, you will take care of me when I get old."
"If you love me, you will not move out of the house."
"If you love me, you will say 'yes' to me."
"If you love me, you will never lie to me."

"If you love me, you will never divorce me."
"If you love me, your love must be forever
or it is not true love."
And so on.

When we package our love (and others' love for us)
with these hidden assumptions,
we prevent ourselves
from ever experiencing the joy of unencumbered love.

Why do we do this?
Why do we create these "package deals"?

Answer:
to avoid the fear we would feel
if we clarified and asserted both our boundaries
and/or our minimum conditions of satisfaction
for a given relationship.
By creating boundaries, we let go of
trying to control with our love
or trying to prove our love for another
or trying to prove another's love for us.

If you choose courage
not to lend money to someone,
it doesn't mean that you don't love that person.
If you choose courage
to move out of your parents' home,
it doesn't mean that you don't love your parents.
If you choose courage
to go against a loved one's wishes (or commands),
it doesn't mean that you don't love that person.
And so on.

Yet, it is necessary and appropriate
(especially for maintaining our experience of love) to have
clear (and sometimes seemingly unloving) boundaries
and/or to have minimum conditions of satisfaction
for each of our relationships.

Examples:
"For me to be willing to set appointments with you,
you must generally show up on time."
(It does not necessarily mean that I don't love you
if I am no longer willing to set appointments with you.)
"For me to stay married to you,
you must generally treat me with respect
and I can tell you how that would look."
(It does not necessarily mean I don't love you
if I am no longer willing to be married to you.)
"For me to remain living in your house,
you must allow me to live my own life,
as long as I don't disturb the household."
(It does not necessarily mean I don't love you
if I choose to move out of the house.)
"For me to lend money to you,
I require a written agreement
with your car as collateral."
(It does not necessarily mean I don't love you
because these are my conditions for the loan.)
"If you have sex with another person,
then I will no longer have sex with you."
(It does not necessarily mean I don't love you
because I would not have sex with you
because you had sex with another.)
And so on.

Can you begin to see how you can free up
both your experience of love from others
and your expression of love to them?

What courage might you choose right now
to clarify and assert your boundaries
and your minimum conditions of satisfaction
so that you can experience your love fully
and others can more easily love you?

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